Hello my darlings! Where are our models? Quiet on set! That’s enough mingling. We’re about to make history. In this studio we snapped the very first shot of a woman laughing while eating salad. We popularised the photogenic-traveller-on-a-gap-year-making-the-y shape with her arms on a cliff. Today we’re going to push that envelope even further.
Places please! First shot: you’re in a business meeting. Top of the corporate ladder, buy all the bonds, shred all the stocks, big money. Bobbi, let’s get more light. It’s early, pretty, 10am. Guys, guys, what are you doing? You’ve seen a meeting. Don’t sit down, crowd around the laptop. That’s it, huddle in, nice and close, point at the screen, but also rejoice at it. More synergy! You, you’re black, and you’re… Asian. Yes, dynamic team, diverse in all the ways, very natural. And you, red tie, pick up that watermelon and look confused by it. Good, great, sexy!
Models take five! You and you, stay. Bobbi, let’s cool it with the lights.10:05, 10:06. No. 10am. You’re a couple and you’re having an argument. You’re getting defensive. More defensive, more, with your elbows and fingers. You’re looking cross and calling him a selfish pig. No, don’t say it, just… how wide can you open your mouth? Good, great, very natural. Now you, stand over there. It’s a subtle metaphor for your emotional distance. And you, pick up that watermelon and look baffled by it.
Bobbi, let’s go darker. Kill the lights. Murder them. Where’s our hacker model? Hello, hi, take a seat darling, and begin hacking. Yes, hackity-hack-hacking, jamming with the console cowboys in cyberspace. Now we know you’re young and antiauthoritarian, so let’s get you a hoodie. And watch that posture. You’re a hacker, so you don’t need an elaborate multi-screen setup, so just hunch over that laptop. Yes, hunch darling, hunch. Now I wasn’t going to ask this, I didn’t think this would work, but can you… yes, pick it up. Ya ya. Higher. Yep. Really perplexed.
Net setup! Retired couple. This is going to be fun and light, we night LIGHT, Bobbi, 10am. You’re walking on a beach, hand in hand, smiling as all people do when entering the next chapter of life. That’s it, delighted with grandkids and the possibilities of retirement. Exuding pure septuagenarian joy in the face of grey hairs, regret, reduced capacity to enjoy the things you love, friends who die, family who never write except when they need a babysitter, iTunes gift card scams, the cancellation of Hey Hey It’s Saturday, being left behind in a multi-gendered “PC” world, broad assumptions that you’re all closed-minded bigots, the renewal and swift re-cancellation of Hey Hey It’s Saturday, the rattling in your throat - or are those the rattling, dragging chains of Grandfather Death, marching ever closer? Perfect. Lovely smiles. Now pick up that watermelon together and laugh at it. But in a confused way.
This monologue was originally performed at Big Fork Theatre’s Freak Box character comedy showcase. Stay in the loop on upcoming live appearances via Cheeky Moon’s Instagram or Facebook.